Wednesday, December 5, 2012

When Mormons Leave

          When I came home from my first semester of college, my sister-in-law asked me about college and if I liked the people at church. I looked at her, puzzled, until I realized she didn’t know. “I haven’t attended church in over a year.” I told her.
          My sister-in-law looked shocked and then, looking around her, lowered her voice – “Don’t tell my children about this.” I have honored my sister-in-law’s request – I do not discuss my reasons for leaving in front of her children. I do not want to be the trouble-maker.
          When Mormons leave, an odd thing happens. Mormons refuse to talk about the issue, creating a cocoon of denial around a person’s decision to leave. There is an almost universal desire among Mormons to ignore the fact of apostasy. I was never asked about my reasons for leaving, although there were a lot of people who tried to convince me to go back to church. Apostates are branded as angry, sinful, or deluded. The Mormons that love you don’t want to believe that you have joined the ranks of apostate – so they don’t ask, preferring to think that you are simply confused. The Mormons that don’t know you also refuse to ask, assuming that your apostasy was for the stereotypical reasons. A member’s inactivity is viewed as a temporary lapse of sanity, one that can be gently corrected by the faithful.
          Ex-Mormons don’t talk about leaving because doing so will be a spark of anger in an already tense situation. If we talk about the issues within Mormonism that caused us to leave, then we are branded as the stereotypical angry apostate. Faithful members fear that we will corrupt their children or shake their belief in Mormonism. My family does not want to hear why I left and I do not want to force my opinions on an un-willing audience. There is a communication chasm between Mormon and ex-Mormon that cannot be breached.
          An unfortunate effect of this impasse is that ex-Mormons have a difficult time finding each other. We cannot speak about our doubts in public and few Mormons will acknowledge our apostasy, creating a shroud of secrecy around the existence of ex-Mormons.
          A couple months ago, I discovered that one of my brothers is inactive. His church attendance has been wavering for a long time, with periods of activity followed by inactivity. I am ashamed to admit that I did not know this, in spite of the fact that this has been going on for years. My brother is thirteen years elder to me; he moved to Utah when I was four. Other than a couple of years spent living near my parents when I was eight, my brother has spent the majority of his life living in the Utah/Idaho region. This was happening in my own family – and I never knew. No one told me and I didn’t think to ask. The cocoon of silence surrounding ex-Mormons runs deep, even within families.
          The reason I heard about my brother’s inactivity is because my family is making a concerted effort to get him to go back to church. A couple months ago, when I was talking to my brother on the phone, he had to hang up because the bishop had arrived.
          “The bishop’s here - he’s going to try and convince me to come back to church.” my brother said, sounding gloomy about the prospect.
          Wait, he’s not going to church? I thought. I knew that my brother is responsible for driving his children to seminary and that his eldest son is preparing to leave for a mission – this is the gossip I have heard within the family circles. The fact that my brother was no longer attending was not part of the family narrative.
          “Oh, I’ve been there before.” I said. I wanted to talk more but my brother had to hang up. I sent him an e-mail, letting him know that if he ever wanted to talk, I was happy to listen. He has not replied. I am silent because I do not want to cause a rift in my brother’s family or be labeled as the corrupting apostate influence. I assume my brother is quiet for similar reasons; I am the baby, the little sister he doesn’t know well enough to trust. Even within my own family, we are doomed to isolation because we fear the retaliation that results from speaking against Mormonism.

22 comments:

  1. Maybe its just me, I mean, to begin with everyone says I was born 90yrs old, throw in more than a half a dozen near death experiences, and I just dont give a fuck.

    I'm using the swear word for emphasis

    I tried being silent, I tried being non confrontational, for all of about two minutes, and then I went out of my way to make it quite clear that if they wanted to talk about religion I would be more than happy to talk back at them.

    There is no point in having someone like you if they quite obviously dont respect you, unless of course you dont respect them and are just trying to scam something out of them.

    My point being, I lost a lot of freinds - but I realised they werent really freinds, they were jsut people I was on freindly terms with do to shared "interests". Real freinds accept you for who you are.

    It doesnt matter what you do, your familly will never forgive you for leaving, yes talking to your brother may get him to leave - so what? Acting as a sounding board doesnt mean you encouraged it. They wont feel better about you for not offering to listen to him will they?

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    1. It's a trade-off - whatever approach you decide to take, there will be some sort of a consequence. I guess it all comes down to which works best - and that is something I am still working out.

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    2. I think you are lucky to have channels of communication open, and I hope that over time you will find ways to communicate with all of your siblings. Almost anytime that we have a life changing event, and start seeing life differently, there will be some people who won't still be part of our lives. That doesn't mean we have to throw everyone out who disagrees with us.

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  2. Boy, can I relate to this post. I've so often thought about these particular dynamics in my own family, wondering how much of them were specific to our family system, how much derived from Mormon culture, and how the intersection of those two forces worked. Growing up, I experienced (as the oldest of four children)our family as atomized - there was some force that kept each of us kids from being able to share and acknowledge our common experience with the others. This has been so painful to contemplate over the years because I can see now how we could have been each another's best allies...but there was so much fear around talking about our experience - of both our family and the church - that we all retreated into our separate corners, treating certain subjects as if they were toxic.

    And I have to observe that this atomization, this forced barrier against shared individual experience, is a classic cult-ish technique. The church breaks down healthy relationship. And families reinforce this damage in deep and profound ways.

    All of my siblings eventually left the church. But we all had to do it separately, without the support that we should have been able to give one another. Which is really tragic.

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    1. Your family sounds a lot like mine; my siblings and I aren't very close. I have a hard time figuring out what is due to Mormonism and what is simply my own family dynamics. In any case, I grew up in a family that avoids communication and confrontation at all costs. It's a tough habit to unlearn and a very painful way to grow up.

      Thank you so much for sharing - I'm glad to hear my family is not the only one like this.

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    2. I was surprised to see so many commenters had experiences like yours; my family's almost completely opposite. I know exactly which of my cousins aren't going to church, which got MIPs, and which are planning on college instead of missions, and I know even better what all my siblings think about church.

      All my parents' siblings (as well as me and my siblings) are close to the same age, though. Maybe that has something to do with it?

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    3. That might be part of it - my siblings and I are far apart in age and geographic distance. Although I suspect a big issue is also the fact that no one in my family ever talks to each other - we have a lot of hang-ups!

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  3. As a Mormon and the spouse of an ex-Mormon, I know that there is a lot of truth to what you say. I wish that when someone decides to leave the Church that they felt enough support from their family to talk to them about it. Isn't family supposed to be there for each other, religion aside? More often when it comes to this issue, there's just anger, tears, and/or silence, none of which is very helpful.
    I love this quote by Thomas Jefferson and I wish that more people lived by it. "I never considered a difference in politics, in religion, in philosophy as cause for withdrawing from a friend."
    Good Luck to you.

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    1. Great quote - and I'm glad you are able to talk with your husband about these issues. Thank you so much for commenting.

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    2. I try to live that quote, even though this is the first time I have heard it. :-)

      I so hope that over time you and your siblings will find more healthy ways to communicate, it doesn't sound like your family (Mormon or not) did a great job knowing each other growing up.

      Warm wishes!

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  4. Hang in there! Its a rough ride I was lucky enough to have a really good friend help me. In fact my parents are still in denial and signed me up to talk this sunday without even talking to me. I didn't even realize I was allowed to speak since I am inactive. Anyway good luck!

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  5. What you say is so true, postmormongirl. My husband and I resigned 7 years ago after spending our lives up to that time being very active in the church. To this day, my family who are active members do not know the details of why we left; they have never asked, nor do they give any indication that they want us to talk about it, so we don't. When I offered to tell my uncle why I left, he said, "Oh, you don't have to tell me." I knew that he did not want to know. So there is this huge communication distance between us. Recently, some family members have been inviting us to church functions, sending LDS books to us; but still not wanting to listen to us.

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  6. I can relate too. My immediate family is close enough that we all pretty much know where everyone else is at. But with some of my cousins, I don't know if they're in or out (or I didn't before the reunion). I would hardly contact less-known cousins directly about it, for fear that it would be seen as some sinister attempt to corrupt them with "anti-Mormon" ideas.

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  7. Excellent posh, PMG. When I left, I was surprised that no one wanted to know why. Various people would share testimonies with me, but no one asked me any questions. They didn't want to know.

    I have cousins and even an uncle who I suspect are disaffected, but they've never broached the subject with me, nor I with them. It appears to be taboo.

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  8. this is so true! my father was the first of his siblins to leave the church yet we are still very close to his family (this happened when i was little my mother was never mormon) so family gatherings are strange. it is nice that most peoples stay on thier best behavior but the hard part is not being able to relax around eachother.

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    1. Thanks Georgianna. I have a feeling you could offer a pretty unique perspective as the daughter of an ex-Mormon. Sometimes, when leaving, it's hard to imagine a long-term ex-Mormon future, as I'm sure your father will tell you.

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    2. Yes! I also have those familiar feelings of "We don't talk about that", whether from my family culture or my LDS culture or both. Largely it feels like people don't want to listen about _anything_ significant, with an extra barrier around touchy religious subjects.

      Also, "it's hard to imagine a long-term ex-Mormon future", YES. I've been working on finding a new space with this for a little while, and it is very hard to imagine. It feels better and better than anything I had before, I feel more alive and able and more aligned than I did when I was more actively pursuing a standard LDS life.

      Thank you for your blog, you're putting quite a bit of work into this and it's cool. Like a little community, a little gathering for (as we know) the difficulty around finding communities to talk about this stuff with.

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    3. Hi Nathaniel,

      Thanks so much for your very kind words. It really helps sometimes to know that you're not the only one going through these issues - and so often with this process, it can feel that way.

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  9. I don't think it's fair to assume that the actions of a few members represent policies of a whole church. I think you need to take into account the viewpoint of the bishop: as a member who believes (whether you or your brother agree) that the church will bless you, he obviously wants to help you receive those blessings. I'm sorry that it hasn't worked out for you.

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I love hearing comments and I welcome all viewpoints; however, I request that if you do choose to comment, please do so in a manner that is constructive and respectful of others.