My freshman year of high school, I was called to be the Mia Maid president. Mia Maids are the 14 and 15 year-old girls within the Young Women’s organization; the third hour of church every week is devoted to Young Women’s. One of my responsibilities as president was to try and get inactive Mia Maids to come back to church. When I was given my calling, I was handed a list of names of the inactive girls in my age group; the bishop urged me to reach out to them.
One of those names was a girl named Hannah*. Hannah and her mother had lived in Utah for a couple of years, during which time the two of them had been baptized. Looking back, my hunch is that Hannah and her mother had been pressured into baptism by the overwhelming Mormon majority in their area; being a non-Mormon amidst Mormons is a very isolating experience. After moving, their records had been transferred to our ward. At this point, the two of them made it known that they did not wish to be contacted.
In spite of their no-contact request, as Mia Maids we became convinced that we were the exception to the rule. We were the girls destined to bring Hannah back into the fold. One of the Mia Maids went to the same school as Hannah and had a class with her; she volunteered to talk to her for us. Our strategy was to plan some fun youth activities to invite her to. A lot of time and energy went into planning out ways to get Hannah to come back to church.
And our attempt worked, to some extent. Hannah came to some youth activities. She even attended church a few times. We let her plan an activity; she taught us hip-hop dancing. Hannah was very gracious about all of the attention but today, I cringe when I think about what we must have put her through. All Hannah and her mother wanted was to be left in peace. In our arrogance, we decided that the “love-bombing” of a girl we barely knew somehow super-ceded Hannah’s wish for privacy. We pretended to be Hannah’s friend when our sole intention was to bring her back to Mormonism.
Eventually Hannah stopped attending church; she was smart enough to see through the attention to the underlying motives. I hope that we weren’t too annoying. And if I ever see Hannah again, I will tell her that I understand what we put her through, having gone through it myself after leaving.
*Name has been changed
I know. I cringe about doing the same thing.
ReplyDeleteI did this in young womens as well. I also broke up with this atheist boy I was totally in love with in college and I sent the meanest letter because i felt as a Mormon it was more important to be an ass to one person than risking us getting together and me and my posterity dwindle in unbelief.... I have been thinking that Mormonism needs like a 12 step addiction recovery program and a big part of it going back and apologizing to all the people you wronged with your "righteous " behavior
ReplyDeleteI know. When I was thirteen, one of my friends told me she didn't believe in God. I freaked out, starting asking all sorts of questions. I later found out that I had really hurt her feelings; I still cringe thinking about it. I did send her an e-mail after I left the Mormon Church, telling her I was sorry and that I know knew how she felt but I never heard back from her. (She was living in a different state by the time.) And some of the judge-y comments I made in high school still haunt me.
ReplyDeleteSadly, love-bombing isn't limited to Mormons, I've seen (and experienced) it from more than a few Evangelicals and Charismatics. The fundamental dishonesty of love-bombing makes me angry.
ReplyDeleteThe practice makes me very uncomfortable. When I left, I had people I barely knew calling me up and pretending to be my friend. And unfortunately, I knew what the attention was about because I had done the same thing to others. Makes me cringe just thinking about it.
DeleteI certainly have been involved in having friends join the church, and in some cases I was the person they "met" the church through. That doesn't mean that I am in favor of love bombing, or in making friendships based solely on my desire to have someone go to church, or come back.
DeleteAll three of my husbands were not members when I met them. I wasn't upset when they decided to join the church after we were married, but I would have been just as okay with it if they hadn't joined the church, as long as our kids went to church with me until they were 8 years old.
(That was the deal I made, with each husband. They did not need to join the church, they didn't need to teach the gospel, they didn't need to tell the kids what I believed was true. I asked them to come on Sundays that were important to the kids, like when they were blessed, gave a talk or were part of the Primary Program in Sacrament Meeting. When the kids were 8 they would decide if they wanted to be baptised and if they wanted to keep coming to church.)
I have been accused by several people in my life of marrying people to get them to join the church. Sometimes it makes me mad, but mostly it makes me chuckle. My first marriage was a huge mistake, but the second and third were to men I loved deeply and felt a connection to that went way beyond sexual desire or missionary zeal. :-)
I think the most important thing, for anyone in any church (or no church) to be friends with people they want to be friends with. The religion my friends practice has very little to do with our friendship. While certainly I have made friends with people I met at church, my three closest friends are not LDS. I don't think they will ever become LDS, but whether they do or not has nothing to do with who I choose to call when I need someone to talk with.
Honestly, that is a very mature and respectful attitude to have. You sound a lot like my mother (and that is a very high compliment indeed!)
DeleteI am glad you have a great mother! I honestly wish that more members od the LDS church would take a step back from "missionary work" and instead simply make friends who are loving and supportive, and that are fun to be around, and to be that kind of friend in return.
DeleteThe two really close friends who joined the church had been friends for 5 and 7 years, before we even had a serious conversation about the church. After the second one joined the church I was asked by a member of the bishopbric to talk at a fifth Sunday forum about missionary work. I was really uncomfortable, but the imp in me made me say yes.
I think it may have been the shortest lesson I have ever given. This is almost word for word what I said. I then went and sat down, while lots of people's mouths were still hanging open.
"Thanks for asking me to talk about my experieinces having friends join the church. I don't have any magic formula in turning friends into members, since I haven't been the one who gave my friends their testimony, they earned their testimonies themselves.
I think that over time, being willing to listen without judging, whether the topic is cooking, hiking or masterbation, is what made my friends feel like they could come to me with questions, when they wanted to know more about the church.
Thank you for asking me to share my experiences. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen."
Baptists do the same kind of thing. I've been love-bombed. Now it doesn't sound like you guys were at all mean to this young lady and that you all might have actually had some good times. I mean, you learned hip hop dancing..I'd like to learn that if I weren't an old lady. lolz
ReplyDeleteDon't be too hard on yourself, and I really like what Julia said although myself I am not Christian, I think Jesus Christ had to be pretty cool and I've got a feeling if he came back today, the exact same thing would happen to him.
One Love
CB
I do hope that we weren't too bad. And she was quite nice about the entire matter. I just feel guilty that we never really stopped to think about her personal qualities as a person, rather than just focusing on trying to change her into something we wanted.
DeleteI did this as a Mia Maid president too. The ironic thing is, the girl we "love bombed" is now a full fledged, temple ordained, tithe paying Mormon; and I'm an atheist who fervently denies the church, and regrets ever believing it.
ReplyDeleteTalk about irony! I hear similar regrets from a lot of former Mormons who served missions. :)
Deletelooks like someone's regretting leaving the lds church...other than that, this post isn't worth the view.
ReplyDeleteYeah, your response makes no sense within the context of this post/blog.
DeleteHave fun being a Mormon.