I am Facebook friends with a lot of Mormons from my childhood and adolescent years. Some of them - mostly peers from my teenage years - I befriended. Others friended me - some of the requests were from people I hadn’t seen in years and so I found myself at a loss as to how specific I needed to be about my break with the Mormon Church. Should I be up-front about the issue or should I just assume they either knew or didn’t care?
Within the past few years, as Facebook has become more universal, I have gotten a lot of friend requests from the peers of my parents and older siblings. Some of these acquaintances realize that I am no longer Mormon; others do not. Every time I receive one of these requests, I hesitate before clicking the “Accept Friend Request” button. Do they know that I am no longer affiliated with the Mormon Church? Do I want to open myself up to the possibility of judgment because I am no longer a member? My policy over the years has been to accept these friend requests but to be honest about my identity as a former Mormon - my profile states that I am an agnostic liberal. I was never a heavy Facebook user, although after starting up a blog and establishing an online presence, my Facebook activity has increased within the past few months.
With these Facebook friends comes an added burden - the constant influx of faith-promoting stories that my friends choose to post to their account. The Mormon leaders have urged members to view social networking sites as opportunities to share the gospel to the world - a virtual version of the idea of “every member a missionary”. Mormons treat this directive with the same approach they treat the other instructions from leaders -- some Mormons embrace this advice with enthusiasm while others are reticent to do so. I am reminded of the talk I heard by the former leader of the Mormon Church, Gordon B. Hinckley, in the fall of 20001; I was fifteen years old at the time. In the talk, President Hinckley stated that the authorities were taking a formal stance against women wearing more than one earring in each ear. At the time I had two holes in each ear and I felt uncomfortable when listening to this talk. I never took the second pair out - and felt quite guilty about my disobedience - but by that time, my faith in Mormonism was already starting to crumble. The following years there were additional talks by authorities directing women to obey the prophet’s directive on earrings.2.3 There was a lot of guilt wrapped up into my decision to keep my second pair of earrings.
Over time, I have read a lot of the Mormon stories that have showed up on my Facebook feed. Some of the posts make me cynical - if you are gushing to the world about how wonderful your religion/life is, who are you really trying to convince? Some of the stories have made me quite upset. I knew, when I saw the posts linking to a story about a homosexual Mormon man happily married to a woman4, that this story was going to cause heartbreak to young Mormons struggling with their sexual orientation. Sure enough, a few weeks later on one of the Ex-Mormon forums, there was a story of a young man who came out to his parents, only to have them point to this example and ask him “Why can’t you do this?”. I wasn’t surprised to hear the story used in this manner, based on the adulation I saw on Facebook. These stories, combined with other articles that describe a church I never knew, have stretched and fractured my normal facade, causing me to become cranky and agitated as I compare my own Mormon reality with the mirage that these articles describe. Perhaps my own Mormon journey was unique. Talking with other former Mormons, my suspicion is that it wasn’t.
Every-time I see a post that whitewashes an issue that caused me a lot of pain growing up, I wonder what the best course of action is. Should I speak up and point out either the factual errors or that there are people out there with very different memories of the same issue? Should I reciprocate by sharing some of my own personal experiences? Or should I stay silent and respect online boundaries? After all, even if my friends do not maintain these boundaries, that is no excuse for me to reciprocate in kind.
All of this makes me tired. I am tired of receiving these friend requests and wondering if I am considered a re-conversion project. I am tired of having my Facebook feed littered with stories I don’t agree with, that don’t reflect the reality I grew up with. I am tired of having to decide, every-time I see an article that is misleading or inaccurate, whether to speak up or to stay silent. I do not like choosing between being polite and reminding people that stories such as mine exist. I also know that if I were to speak up - and within the past few months I have started speaking up - that I will end up hurting these people just as much as they hurt me. Mormonism is a religion that teaches its members to fear dissension - by pointing out alternatives, I am crossing a line that most Mormons are uncomfortable with. In spite of all our differences, these are people I grew up with - I do not wish to cause them pain.
The dilemma of what to do leaves me with an irritated, itchy feeling as these stories get under my skin. In my weaker moments, I wonder if the easiest course of action is to just purge my account of all proseletyzing Mormons. But this does not seem any more reasonable a course of action than the alternatives - after all, these people played a big role during my childhood. Mormonism - and the people within Mormonism - were an integral part of my childhood. Is it healthy to purge my life of all things related to my up-bringing? I may not be a Mormon anymore but there are many Mormons that I love.
When I am stressed, I react in a knee-jerk fashion, rather than the studied rationality I have always strived to maintain. My online Facebook activity, especially within the past few months, has been degenerating into the type of behavior that I do not like, either in myself or others. I feel uncomfortable with this new version of me that publicly “likes” ex-Mormon stories and who points out differences in opinions; I was also uncomfortable with the old version that never spoke up. Where is the middle ground, the balance I want to maintain? Balance seems elusive with each new version of a Mormon illusion I never knew.
This is not a problem that is exclusive to my Mormon Facebook friends. I also have friends from other areas of my life that, for one reason or another, view Facebook as a tool for displaying their sentiments about some very personal beliefs. Sometimes I agree with their sentiments. Other times I do not. And this too can be tiring, although in my situation, Mormonism is something that has caused me much pain over the years in a way that political sentiments have not.
I think we all need to step back and remember that although we live in a tidy virtual age, human emotions are still visceral and messy. Everyone has a different point of view, a different story to tell, different convictions that form their character. Everyone has their own trigger points. Facebook is an impersonal media - we throw our thoughts out into the virtual world without understanding the consequences that lie on the other side of the Internet. We fail to see the faces behind our Facebook friends and to understand what our virtual actions do to our friends in real life.
1 “Your Greatest Challenge, Mother”, Gordon B Hinckley, General Conference, October 2000. http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2000/10/your-greatest-challenge-mother?lang=eng
2“His Word Ye Shall Receive” M. Russell Ballard, General Conference, April 2001. http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2001/04/his-word-ye-shall-receive?lang=eng
3“Quick To Observe.” David A. Bednar, Devotional Address, Brigham Young University, May 2005. http://speeches.byu.edu/?act=viewitem&id=1456
4“Club Unicorn: In Which I Come Out Of The Closet On My Ten-Year Anniversary” http://www.joshweed.com/2012/06/club-unicorn-in-which-i-come-out-of.html
I have only a handful of believing friends on FB, and I take care to use filters with them. :)
ReplyDeletePMG, while I have never been a Mormon, I do have relatives who are super religious. They are always posting stuff on FB touting how wonderful their faith and church is. They go on and on about how God has a plan for the faithful like them. If the rest of us would just believe more, good things will happen to us. Whenever it gets to be too much, I just UNSUBSCRIBE to their posts. If I want to know what's going on in their lives, I talk to other family members or check their timeline. See? Problem solved. Good luck, sweetie :)
ReplyDeleteI am embarrassed to admit that I am completely clueless when it comes to Facebook - I had been trying to find a way to block posts from appearing on my feed but I just couldn't figure it out. But today I finally figured out the answer and hopefully the problem will get better. :)
DeleteJust remember some people need religion.
ReplyDeleteI do - overall I don't have any issue with religion, other than when religion is used a tool to divide people. And I do feel that trying to convert others is an invasion of an individual's privacy.
DeletePMG, do I ever feel you on this. It seems that often people try to shrug away the bleaker side of a story; if one person has had a rosier experience of Mormonism, that is obviously going to be the experience the church wants to promote. I find it difficult to navigate these discussions where I have to pit my experiences against others', or (worse) against claims of "well, the Mormons I know are really nice."
ReplyDeleteIt is a tough, tough line to walk and I still don't know what the answer is. And yes, there are a lot of nice Mormons but that doesn't mean that there aren't some very serious issues, both in terms of doctrine and culture, that aren't being addressed because controversy is always down-played or avoided.
DeleteI think members, nonmembers, postmembers, vampires, dragons, witches and aliens all needs to be able to share their lives and experiences without having those experiences devalued. I think one of the problems with large facebooks posts or other mass dissemination is that there is social pressure to at least read and respond to things that show up in your FB feed. That pressure, from family members came not just from their posts, but from them not liking things that other friends wrote on my wall. I ended up deleting a two week "debate" on Wicca vs. Polygamist Mormons. None of my "friends" practiced either religion.
DeleteI shared with my counselor all the frustrations and my challenges during the Prop 8 fight in California. One of my sisters sent all of us yard signs, even though she was the only one living in California, and wanted us to post pictures of them in our yards. Ugh! My counselor challenged me to take a two month Facebook fast. I took that time to spend more time writing, and led to me developing my poetry blog into something more meaningful. I used to have it as a side blog, and I realized that is where I wanted to focus.
As part of pulling away, and now almost completely out, from Facebook is the sense of freedom from other people's issues. For people who like me, they can follow my blog, invite me to read theirs, and email, call, or text me. If I find a blog I like I follow it, and after a little while, I might add it to my blog roll. I love peeking a look at the world that my blogger friends like enough to put on their blog rolls. I DO NOT miss being virtually poked, having a ton of random messages with inspiration stories or things that really should have been put through snopes before being passed on!
I know leaving FB isn't right for everyone, but instead or reading the same things over and over from the same people, I am enjoying finding new friends, who I never would have thought of looking for on FB, because I could barely keep up with all the stuff from my "friends."
Julia
poetrysansonions.blogspot.com
I had wondered why you weren't on Facebook, especially as you are a very social person. This helps explain a lot. I guess for me Facebook helps more than hurts for the simple reason that I have always been very bad at keeping in touch with old acquaintances - Facebook at least gives me an outlet for contacting people that I might have otherwise lost track of, for no reason other than sheer absent-mindedness on my behalf.
DeleteI dont have any advice to offer, but I know how you feel. I'm almost to the point where I can be more honest with family. But my facebook is absolutely LITTERED with those same types of posts. Thanks for your post, its nice to know others feel the same about certain experiences.
ReplyDeleteFacebook can a frustrating issue to deal with. I hope you can get to a point where you can be honest with your family and thanks for stopping by and commenting. :)
DeleteTake a breath and step back from the Facebook. It is not a necessary part of life. If it causes you anguish, don't do it. Find other ways to connect with people. Perhaps check FB once a week, or every couple days. You could choose to hide certain friends from your FB feed. Just because people were part of your childhood doesn't mean you have to be exposed to them on a daily basis. Choose to only have people on FB who are part of your current life. The world is big. Leave your Mormon world behind and you will be much happier. I am.
ReplyDeleteI live by the goldish rule.
ReplyDeleteDo unto others as you would have them do unto you, and once they do unto you do unto them as they have done.
Am an athiest, only one in my family. 99% of my fathers side is Mormon. As is my sisters husbands family. She and he from what I can gather are basically on the fence between deism and agnosticism. But the family dont really talk about religion anymore because I know the scriptures better than they do do and they all had to learn the hard way that trying to pull me back in only wound up causing them more doubts.
My advice? Dont stay silent, staying silent is a defacto agreement. Simply say you disagree and leave it at that. If they ask you to elaborate do so calmly.
I'll let you in on a secret, most people are asshole when protected by the pesudo anonymity of the web. It doesnt matter how calm, mild, rational, or inoffensive you are. They will attck you for no other reason than they dont like the fact that you think differently.
Case in point I was discussing veganism on facebook, and even though I agreed with this guys points I mentioned that copying and pasting the same comment 40 something times was a bit excessive. His first response to me was that I should go have sex with my mother(in much more colorful language)
Now you probably wont get that level of depravity from mormons, but any dissagrement no matter how mild, some people will take with the greatest offense - there is justno way of knowing
But staying silent solves nothing
On a slightly happier note, I made a comment on one of the posts only to find out that a friend of a friend (a woman that had lived in our ward for many years) had also left Mormonism. So I guess speaking up a little more helps to find other like-minded people, especially as so many former Mormons feel like they have to stay silent on the matter.
DeleteNegotiating Facebook boundaries is extremely difficult. After I officially resigned from the Church 18 months ago and came out as atheist, Facebook became a virtual war-zone for a while. I felt I had bit my tongue and kept quite for 10 long years and was finally ready and willing to speak my mind for the first time in my life. The vast majority of my FB friends were conservative Mormons (immediate family included), and so when I started posting "anti-Mormon" stuff on my FB profile, I had more testimonies preached to me than I had heard growing up in the Church!
ReplyDeleteWithin a couple of months (once everyone realized I was serious and unrelenting with my new vocality), I was unfriended by the majority of my Mormon FB friends, my own sister, my nieces and nephews, and my parents. I'm also quite certain a lot of my other non-Mormon friends have filtered my posts from their news feed. I have since replenished my FB friends with fellow ExMos, and a few family members have re-friended me in a limited capacity, but my FB friendship landscape has changed dramatically.
I don't regret becoming more vocal about my political and anti-religious views, and am willing to accept my part in "pushing" them away from my online & real life. I simply could not continue in silence any longer. I feel their conservative Mormon views, memes, and preaching need to be contested. Their ignorance of the wider social ramifications of what the LDS Church's policies, teachings and political campaigns are doing need to be discussed and challenged.
Facebook is a public forum, and as such, one should recognize that their posts and memes may very well be challenged and disagreed with. Facebook posts are fair game for comments: both for and against. You should feel free to comment, challenge, or *Like* anything you wish as a way to express yourself. Feel free to post when you want on what you want, and if people don't like it, they can always filter you from their feed.
I may not have a lot of real friends these days, and my family relationships have become incredibly superficial, but I've never been happier about who I am than I am now. I wish you the best of luck with your FB balancing act, and hope you find an equilibrium that works for you.
PS. I love your blog, and I feel we have a lot in common. Keep up the good work!
Thank you - both for the very thoughtful comment and for the lovely compliment. And good luck with your journey - it's a tough one but definitely worth the struggle. :)
DeleteNegotiating Facebook boundaries is extremely difficult. After I officially resigned from the Church 18 months ago and came out as atheist, Facebook became a virtual war-zone for a while. I felt I had bit my tongue and kept quite for 10 long years and was finally ready and willing to speak my mind for the first time in my life. The vast majority of my FB friends were conservative Mormons (immediate family included), and so when I started posting "anti-Mormon" stuff on my FB profile, I had more testimonies preached to me than I had heard growing up in the Church!
ReplyDeleteWithin a couple of months (once everyone realized I was serious and unrelenting with my new vocality), I was unfriended by the majority of my Mormon FB friends, my own sister, my nieces and nephews, and my parents. I'm also quite certain a lot of my other non-Mormon friends have filtered my posts from their news feed. I have since replenished my FB friends with fellow ExMos, and a few family members have re-friended me in a limited capacity, but my FB friendship landscape has changed dramatically.
I don't regret becoming more vocal about my political and anti-religious views, and am willing to accept my part in "pushing" them away from my online & real life. I simply could not continue in silence any longer. I feel their conservative Mormon views, memes, and preaching need to be contested. Their ignorance of the wider social ramifications of what the LDS Church's policies, teachings and political campaigns are doing need to be discussed and challenged.
Facebook is a public forum, and as such, one should recognize that their posts and memes may very well be challenged and disagreed with. Facebook posts are fair game for comments: both for and against. You should feel free to comment, challenge, or *Like* anything you wish as a way to express yourself. Feel free to post when you want on what you want, and if people don't like it, they can always filter you from their feed.
I may not have a lot of real friends these days, and my family relationships have become incredibly superficial, but I've never been happier about who I am than I am now. I wish you the best of luck with your FB balancing act, and hope you find an equilibrium that works for you.
PS. I love your blog, and I feel we have a lot in common. Keep up the good work!
I relate to your struggle to find balance. You will most likely swing for a while before finding it. Just remember what you already expressed than neither extreme is healthy. My dad told me, that when I found the courage to speak out, I would know who my real friends were, and he was absolutely right. I tolerate (mostly) the sappy and sometimes very blind messages because I remember feeling that way, and most of them are just that, sappy. Once in a while, I come across an outright lie, or incorrect or damaging "doctrine" and I say something. I try to remember that you can't force a person to see, and many of those blinders are there for a good reason. Prying them off prematurely can cause a lot of damage. Of course having them stay on too long causes damage too. So I state the facts if I have them, or I start my sentences with "I feel" or "in my experience" I haven't found the balance yet, but I'm giving myself the space and permission to do so, knowing that I will go overboard at times. Avoiding social media is just not a viable option for me. I have way too many "friends" to reply or respond to all their posts, and I don't feel that is expected, or required. I can always unsubscribe without unfriending if they get too annoying, and I'm not offended if they do the same, My real friends know where and how to contact me. FB is for my business and for socializing "light". Not deep abiding relationships.
ReplyDeleteLOL...I found you through your post on BlogHer today. I've never been mormon but I find this very interesting. I lived in a very religious home in Alabama for years & now I live a more secular life in Canada. I find the same issues when on Facebook. Many of my friends and family are ultra-religious and ultra-politically conservative. It drives me nuts. I have started to unfollow posts from some people even if they are my family. I find much of the drivel to be toxic & I don't need toxic people in my life!
ReplyDeleteGood luck finding your balance.
Yeah, it's a difficult balance. I've started unsubscribing from certain people, which has helped a lot. It is funny how similar ultra-conservative religions can be - my husband grew up in a very orthodox Hindu family and we are constantly amazed at how similar our experiences were, in spite of the religious and cultural differences. :)
DeleteThanks for stopping by!
"Facebook is an impersonal media - we throw our thoughts out into the virtual world without understanding the consequences that lie on the other side of the Internet. We fail to see the faces behind our Facebook friends and to understand what our virtual actions do to our friends in real life."
ReplyDeleteLove this insight in your post. It's my main beef with Facebook, AND you have articulated it so much better than I have been able to do. For now, I'm still standing my ground - no fb account. As a high school teacher, it always surprises me when discussions about fb come up in my classroom. You would be surprised to hear how many teens think that fb is superficial and meaningless. Fascinating.
Facebook has really changed over the years - I think as time progresses, Facebook as a social media outlet has become a lot more impersonal. I joined pretty early and at the time, my only friends were the people I saw in my everyday life.
Delete