Thursday, May 9, 2013

Mormon Chastity Lessons: Elizabeth Smart

          As a teenager, I attended a self-defense class. Our group was made up of Mormon girls between the ages of 12 and 18. The instructor, also a Mormon, chose to end the presentation by telling us “The greater the number of earrings in your ear, the more revealing your clothing, the more you expose yourself to the possibility of sexual assault.” I nodded along with his words; I grew up believing that a woman must dress modestly at all times. I attended a number of lessons in my youth during which the boys – my peers – pointed to the immodest dress of women as a trigger for impure thoughts.
          A couple days ago Elizabeth Smart gave an interview during which she pointed to chastity lessons as contributing to her captivity. Smart, who was held captive for eight months by a self-proclaimed prophet, talked about a lesson she had as a teenager in which her virginity was compared to a piece of gum. In Smart’s words

“I remember in school one time I had a teacher who was talking about abstinence, and she said, imagine, you’re a stick of gum and when you engage in sex, that’s like getting chewed, and if you do that lots of times, you’re going to become an old piece of gum, and who’s going to want you after that? Well that’s terrible, nobody should ever say that, but for me, I thought, I’m that chewed up piece of gum. Nobody rechews a piece of gum, you throw it away. That’s how easily it is to feel that you no longer have worth, you no longer have value. Why would it even be worth screaming out?”

          Chastity object lessons are very common in within the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, more commonly referred to as the Mormon Church. Sometimes it is the piece of gum, which, once chewed, nobody else wants to chew. Other times it is the cupcake, which, once licked, is once disgusting to anyone else. Other times it is the rose, which, once passed around and handled by multiple people, turns brown and wilted. There is no un-chewing of the gum, no un-licking of the cupcake, no un-wilting of the rose.
          In the book “The Miracle of Forgiveness” the previous Mormon leader, Spencer W Kimball, wrote

“It is better to die in defending one’s virtue than to live having lost it without a struggle.”

          Earlier this year, Elaine Dalton, the leader of the Young Women’s program and one of the few females in a visible position of leadership within the Mormon Church, said in a world-wide broadcast to young Mormon girls everywhere

“Cherish virtue. Your personal purity is one of your greatest sources of power.”

          This is what chastity is within Mormonism; something that, once it is gone, can never be regained and the loss of which forever diminishes a person’s worth.
          In the light of these teachings, I suppose that if I had been assaulted while wearing a tank top or extra earrings, I would have blamed myself for the attack. I would have blamed myself for my tight clothing or my two earrings or for not fighting enough or for not being faithful enough. And so I am grateful to Elizabeth Smart for having the courage to speak out against these harmful lessons. 

25 comments:

  1. Many religions that teach blind obedience, and also teach their followers that there is a savior that will come along and lead the way, run the risk of teaching their followers to obey the leader when he comes along as log as he uses the right manipulation tactics. This may have also been similar to what happened in the "Manson family," they were taught to follow the leader and separated from their own family so when they wound up as part of a different family they followed a new leader blindly at least to some degree.

    This case isn't as extreme of course but their are some similarities. When I saw the initial coverage of her release it seemed to me like she was converting right back to her original religion without question. Now that doesn't appear to be the case; not that this makes it worthwhile but at least there seems to be some attempt from the more moderate members to recognize some of their flaws.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. By mormon standards (the cupcake licked too many times, the wilted rose and the chewed gum noone longer wantsj), how much of a licked cupcake, wilted and brow rose, chewed up their prophet and followers can be considered in view of the many wives they had ..

      Delete
  2. "don't give out your kisses like crackers!!!"

    what if i like crackers?

    true:
    what is the biggest cause of rape?

    rapists.

    but still the victims are asked:
    what were you wearing?
    were you drinking?
    are you sexually active?

    this is called rape culture, victim blaming, and it is very much enmeshed with these old skool religious ideas.
    just last week at a family dinner my sisters were harping out about women who dress immodestly, reducing these faceless women to just "gross." some of my brothers chirped in as well in agreement. (you know i have 12 siblings, right?)
    they went on to assume that those women aren't dressing for respect, etc...
    and i said:
    WE NEED TO RESPECT ALL PEOPLE REGARDLESS OF HOW THEY DRESS, MALE AND FEMALE ALIKE. DO YOU NOT SEE HOW THIS DANGEROUS THIS ATTITUDE IS?

    and then i remembered where i was, and i shut up, because then my sister turned on me and asked as sweetly as possible when i would be sealed to my son...

    deflect! deflect! segue segue!!!

    but i was sickened with their "holy" contempt. how can they not see the depth of their superficial judgements? heaven forbid i point this out to god's beloved people. :/

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm so sorry - that must have been a painful dinner to sit through. I hope you can find a way to be yourself without having to put up with this.

      Take care, Dolly.

      Delete
    2. modest is hottest

      Delete
  3. I'm so proud of Elizabeth Smart. What an intelligent and well-spoken woman she's become. So having extra ear-piercings invites rapists? Unbelievable...

    ReplyDelete
  4. I sometimes think that mormon culture is not always in line with gospel teaching. I really do not like it when judgment is passed on others for any reason. I am a practicing mormon and may have different beliefs than other people, but I can still respect their choices and beliefs. I feel like it is not our place to judge, but God's, and we need to leave it that way. I think that the culture that drives how people act is not always in accordance with the teachings of the church. I still believe chastity is important, but to compare someone to being a chewed up piece of gum is ridiculous and sad. I also think that there are many mormons who feel the same way I do and are not so quick to judge others. I hope I am getting my point across and I am sorry that some people of my faith have these attitudes. Maybe more of us need to take a closer look at ourselves before we pass judgement on others.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I feel like there is a distinction between judging and identifying harmful actions. From where I stand, a lot of the actions and words of church leaders are harmful to people.

      Delete
  5. What a twisted, victim-blaming message to young women. Too many earrings? The wrong kind of clothing? It's nonsense. Rapists cause rape, not the victim's appearance, full stop.

    I'm proud of Smart for questioning the messages she was taught as a youngster and for speaking out with such courage.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Very well explained PMG. I had not heard of earrings being attached to rape, but I heard from someone on fMh that the larger your hoop earrings, the less moral you are. I shared my personal experience on an LDS blog, (By Common Consent) about how these "morality" lessons impacted my life, and those of many women I advocate for and mentor. (I made a few changes here for clarity for a non-LDS audience, and to fix a few spelling errors.)

    Moroni 9:9 by itself is pretty problematic for rape and sexual abuse survivors because along with Miracle of Forgiveness, it has historically been use to blame rape victims who are alive after their rapes. After all, if you don’t fight to the death, your virginity/virtue must not have meant much.

    20 years ago my bishop asked why I didn’t fight harder, and I mentor women and girls who have been asked the same question in the last 6 months. The day after I was raped, my bishop had me read Moroni 9:9 to him, as he explain that I had allowed my virtue to be stolen, and it would be a long road back to be worthy to take sacrament or hold a calling, but that I would never be valuable enough to marry a RM. (Full stop.)

    I think maybe the biggest problem is that we have two prophets, Moroni and Spencer W Kimball, who have given us these pretty clear messages, and we do not have an equally clear denial or correction to their words.

    Most problematic for almost all Christian religions, is that we don't have the stories of women, and which means we have a hugr gap in knowledge. We don’t have scriptural examples of girls or women who have been raped, who are embraced by a loving society of saints, treated with even more love and care, so that they have an extra measure of love, who go on to marry great men, who together are partners and leaders in the church/gospel. If we had such scriptures, then we wouldn’t need to simply pick a scripture with the word Virtue, and just go with that. I believe the LDS church needs those valient women, as examples for the 1 in 4 women and girls who didn’t “die fighting for their virtue.” We need to tell our daughters that they should do what they have to to stay alive, so they can go on to be amazing women!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh my God! It really shocked me to read about your bishop's harmful thinking. I'm so sorry that you had to suffer from such a negative, disgusting, contemptuous attitude after being raped.
      Thank you for sharing your story and your positive message! I'm with you!

      Delete
    2. I'm always grateful for those who find it shocking. There are many people who follow the logic without question. For the world, and LDS church to change, we need more shock, that leads to actions.

      Delete
  7. Also, can I just say I hate those "womens' self defense" courses? Most of them are total crap that do nothing to prepare women on how to disable a guy or get away, and just give them a false sense of security

    ReplyDelete
  8. I actually always worried about Elizabeth Smart. I worried when I heard her say she was working through her issues with he local church leaders. I am sure they were very kind and caring people, but church leaders are not trained to deal with a lot of what she went through. I also found it interesting that they spoke of her dress as being so modest in this article:
    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2104371/Elizabeth-Smart-wedding-photos-reveals-beautiful-lace-dress-kilt-wearing-groom.html

    In her defense, she might be headed to the beach. Other than that, this dress would not be considered modest at all. I find it interesting that well-known Mormons still find a way to fit in with today's styles and still get great reviews, even though they would not be caught dead wearing those dresses to church on Sunday. ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. She's obviously wearing a swim suit with a cover up dress over it. The church has no problem with swimming attire. The mormon church believes in modesty but not back-woods pilgrim attire. Obviously she wouldn't wear that to church not for fear of being "caught" in it, but because she believes in living modestly.

      Delete
  9. This post is simply ridiculous. The mormon church in no way preaches this. First, your quote is taken out of context. She was taught the analogy about gum in a public education setting which has nothing to do with her religion. Second, the word virtue is used in a general sense as honor, morals, self respect and esteem along with, yes, personal chastity. You make it seem like the mormon church only preaches that virginity is their virtue. How very wrong you are. Also, there are plenty of women in leadership positions in the church. Believing otherwise is simple ignorance of the church. Yes, victim blaming is wrong! And the mormon church believes that. Elizabeth Smart would be ashamed of this post and how her words of hope and wisdom have been twisted and tortured into such rubbish.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Object lessons are pretty common and the quotes speak for themselves. And personally, I think Elizabeth Smart would agree that the damage done by some of these teachings need to be addressed, rather than covered up with a bunch of excuses and denials.

      Delete
  10. While I'm an active member of the Mormon religion, I definitely agree that some of these "Object Lessons" used by teachers are a little dramatic or overdone. Yes, sex is something special and sacred. However, there is repentance. Keeping the law of chastity should not be compared to chewing a piece of gum.

    www.laytreasuresinheaven.com

    ReplyDelete
  11. I am a Laurel Advisor for the Young Womens program in the church. I am getting ready to teach a lesson on chastity. I read your blog post because I think you pointed out some valid points on how people could misunderstand and be offended. This is great for me as a teacher to be more careful and it will help me with how I will go about teaching my lesson. The end of the blog post I felt you left people feeling despair, that once it is lost it can never be returned which is wrong. I am sure this is how you might feel but it is not. The atonement of Jesus Christ is real. I believe in repentance and forgiveness.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm glad this helped - my recommendation is to emphasize the forgiveness part because it is often overlooked.

      Delete
  12. I’m still learning from you, but I’m trying to achieve my goals. I absolutely enjoy reading all that is written on your blog.Keep the tips coming. I liked it

    ReplyDelete
  13. Rapists obviously cause rape, but they tend to choose victims based on apparent vulnerability. It is a crime of violence, not sexual attraction. I do not believe women are raped because of their immodest clothing turning someone on to the point of losing self-control. More often they are raped because they find themselves in compromised circumstances. However, women who dress immodestly tend to find themselves living in compromised circumstances. Or maybe they dress that way because it's all they can afford. Idk. Something to think about.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I've noticed - not so much in sexual assault but more along the lines of bullying - that acting or carrying yourself a certain way really opens yourself up to the possibility of getting exploited.

      Thanks for commenting. :)

      Delete
  14. This article is 100% misleading. In LDS church every women and many are thought to dress modest. If you use your purity as it is described up in the article, you are an old gum. However if anyone is ever the victim of rape, this is different case. Under no condition you are then guilty of anything, before God or society. She had must miss this lesson, but who really cares, this is just one of many useless anti mormon articles..

    ReplyDelete

I love hearing comments and I welcome all viewpoints; however, I request that if you do choose to comment, please do so in a manner that is constructive and respectful of others.