“I imagine that one of the reasons people cling to their hates so stubbornly is because they sense, once hate is gone, that they will be forced to deal with pain. “
James Baldwin, Notes of A Native Son
I alternate between using the terms ex-Mormon and post-Mormon. My use of these two terms is deliberate; I consider ex-Mormon to be an active recovery stage and post-Mormon as an indicator of a past history. Personally I alternate between being an ex-Mormon and a post-Mormon. Most of the time I am at peace with my Mormon past: in other words, I call myself a post-Mormon. Other times my Mormon past is a source of pain and anger: that’s when I call myself an ex-Mormon.
These past few weeks I have been firmly in the ex-Mormon camp. I don’t want to go into details, other than to say that I grew up in a pretty toxic family environment. Some of my family dysfunction I see echoed on a larger scale within Mormon culture. Other aspects I suspect are simply my own family’s dysfunction. Either way, the legacy into which I was born is not always an easy burden to bear. To be frank, sometimes it is a huge source of pain.
When I am struggling, my first emotional response is usually anger. Hanging on to anger is easier than dealing with the pain that comes after letting go of anger. On an intellectual level, I know I need to find a way to move past this recent flare-up of anger. Emotionally I don’t when or how that will happen. I suppose the path to recovery is different for everyone; I am still charting my own way.
One day this will pass. Even now, I recognize this fact. I am not my family. I am not a Mormon. I am not doomed to repeat the past. My path in life is my own to create.
I am still searching for resolution. One day I hope to find it. Until then, I suppose the most I can do is to try and get past this. And really, as ex-Mormons, that’s all we can do – search for resolution and in the meantime, live the best life we can.
Good post PMG. I find that for myself the anger I deal with is not so much about 'my past Mormon life' but it comes up when I read or hear about things the Mormon leadership are saying or doing.
ReplyDeleteThe question I ask myself is why do I not just keep my distance and save myself the grief? I think it is because I find religion and religious thinking so interesting. Mormon is what I know and relate to so I continue to read and dabble in the blog world as a hobby of sorts. Then I start empathizing with posts of others who are on their own journeys.
Good luck on this most recent encounter along your journey. Be sure to post more about it as you work your way back to 'Post Mormon'.
Thank you Jill. I get what you say about the Mormon leadership - it's hard seeing what they say getting translated into real life.
Delete"On an intellectual level, I know I need to find a way to move past this recent flare-up of anger."
ReplyDeleteWhy
That's an interesting distinction between post- and ex- that I'd never considered. In that case I'm firmly planted in the ex-Mormon field. I don't know how not to be angry about it. I mean, I have a life and stuff, and I don't think about how mad I am at the church all the time, but I come back to it regularly.
ReplyDeleteIt's very tempting to just hold onto the anger because it gives me a scapegoat for my shortcomings and miseries. But I admire you for your ability to let go of that anger, even if only sporadically.
I think trying is the operative word here. Mostly I don't want the anger to control my life. But easier said than done, to be honest.
DeleteIf that is the reason why the best thing to do is NOT to move past the anger but accept it, hold on to it long enough to analyse it and its root cause, not its incediary causes.
DeleteAnd if you already have analysed it and are currently unable to forgive for what ever reason, work on your critical thinking, and just remind yourself that you are entitled to feel how ever you feel, but your feelings dont control your actions
"I am still searching for resolution." It does take time... :)
ReplyDeleteI've just started reading your blog and I'm fascinated by your story. I lived in the Mormon culture for a long time and now find myself reflecting on what my classmates have done with their lives and where they have gone and accomplished. I'm not sure why I care to see but I tend to check in every so often.
ReplyDeleteDo you find with blogging about leaving that you get alot of hate felt response?
Warm wishes
KG
http://themissyg.blogspot.com/
Honestly, I have pretty great readers - it's been a good experience so far. :)
DeleteThanks for taking the time to comment - I look forward to reading some of your writing soon.
Thank you for this.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad it helped. :)
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