What frightened me the most about leaving the Mormon church --- and losing my belief in a higher power altogether --- was the perception that religion is required for morality. I was afraid that leaving religion would turn me into a person devoid of values. I thought I would lose the love I had for people. I was afraid I would lose my inner compass that told me how to differentiate between right and wrong. And Mormon culture supports the idea that leaving causes a person to become lost. The authorities taught me to fear the world outside the rigid confines of the Mormon Church.
When I first started questioning the Mormon Church, I was not doing so out of toughness or bravado. I was scared and confused, with no idea of what the future held for me. I thought my doubts made me a bad person. I held on to the Church in desperation, praying that I could somehow resolve my issues. I prayed and read my scriptures. I attended church every Sunday. I went to seminary every morning. I participated in my youth activities. I followed the admonition that bearing your testimony will strengthen it. And nothing worked --- I was as full of doubts as before. I had been promised answers if I was faithful enough but the answers never came.
Then one day I said to myself --- “What if there is no God? What if it’s OK not to know?” And with that question, all of my issues melted away. The world made sense again. But a part of me was still frightened of what being an agnostic meant. I didn’t know what life would be like without religion to provide structure.
Ten years after leaving, I have learned many lessons, the most important of which is that losing faith in God doesn’t mean losing faith in humanity. Who I am --- the very core of what makes me a person --- is unaltered. My love for people is still intact. My sense of what is right and wrong still exists. The joy I find in life is still there. And I have found that the stripping away of a rigid belief system has opened my eyes to the inherent goodness of humanity. I have discovered that good people are found in all walks of life. Goodness is not reserved for a single group of people but exists in the diversity of the world around us.
In retrospect, I am struck by how much time LDS leaders and teachers spend talking about all the negative things that happen to people who leave.
ReplyDeleteJust another way to scare us into staying, I guess.
ReplyDeleteI saw your comment to mine (about Cindy) on the Stake Presidents [sic] blog. I see from this post here you're progressing (hopefully, not eternally) down a path many ExMo's take. That is, concluding that "If the church isn't true, then nothing is true." (i.e., that there is no God.)
ReplyDeleteWhile I understand that you never want to be fooled again (and I applaud that), to conclude that there is no God because the church isn't true is not logical. That would be like taking a multiple choice test, getting the wrong answer and saying, "Well, if answer C isn't true, then none of the answers can be true."
To be fair, I see you haven't gone totally illogical as you correctly call yourself agnostic. (As opposed to the illogical atheist.) So maybe you hold out that the truth is out there.
But again, I kinda know where you're coming from. Even though I've never been Mormon (and so can never fully appreciate the mind control you were under), I know you've been lied to by an authority you trusted most. So ExMo's often go to the other extreme and trust no one.
On the plus side, you have learned that truth does not reside in a - or the - church. The truth doesn't reside in you (or humanity) either. But that's something you'll need to find out for yourself.
So I encourage you to be cynical. Keep studying, keep learning, and keep thinking. If ever you become a follower of the true Jesus (as opposed to the Mormon version of jesus), it will be for the right reasons.
Thank you Mike, for your comment. I like the Stake President's blog for no other reason than it makes me laugh about a subject that used to cause a lot of pain.
DeleteI would say that I am most closely aligned with humanist ideals. I treasure my interactions with other human beings, as well as my relationship with the world at large. I have a problem accepting something without proof, although I don't have any issue with people who can, as long as they are respectful of religious differences. My husband is a Hindu and does believe in a higher power. He strikes a pretty good balance; he lives as good of a life as he can and understands that what works for him may not work for someone else. Some of his religious traditions are inter-mingled with his pride in his heritage. When we have children, I hope that they too learn to have pride in who they are and where they come from. I have a lot of respect for his approach, although his particular beliefs are not necessarily my own. I can also fully support the Christian teaching to love your neighbor. I think the most important lesson I have learned is that everyone is different and diversity is something to celebrate, rather than suppress.
Anyway, thank you for stopping by and commenting.
Hi PostMo:
DeleteI also have a problem accepting something without proof. Macro-evolution, for example, that humans came from random chance. How, exactly, did the sperm in one individual know to undergo meiosis instead of mitosis at the exact same time a completely independent (random) other individual's egg's knew to do the same thing? (Never mind the intricacies of the transfer mechanism, that the two random individuals were in the same place on this big earth at the same time, ready to go, mammary glands were ready for something they'd never experienced before, etc. etc.)
As for true Bible based Christianity, I submit there is proof. Like knowing O.J. did it, even tho you and I weren't there, there is historical evidence to go by. I've done a short video on it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BHHMpRKKHJA
Unfortunately a lot of people who say they are christians are what I call "Santa Claus" christians. They can't defend why they believe what they believe. They either believe because that's how they were raised or like the little girl in Miracle on 34th street, they believe because they want to.
Rather, as an engineer like your husband, my faith is based on fact.
As for celebrating diversity . . . well, a jury of his peers just convicted Jerry Sandusky for celebrating his diversity. You and I disagree here. I'm glad he's been suppressed.
Stick to injuneering, Mike. You don't understand evolution well enough to speak intelligently about it.
DeleteWhat is Christianity truly about? The answer is Christ. It is not about the morals, the beliefs, etc. It is about a soul saving relationship with Jesus Christ. It is about a never ending friendship that fills a void that cannot be filled otherwise. We live according to standards, yes. There are guidelines we must follow if we want to have a SUCCESSFUL relationship with Jesus. Key word, is WANT. The evidence you ask? The evidence is in the experience and the REAL encounter with Jesus Christ. When you encounter the love of Christ its just as real as a hug from a friend or a kiss from a spouse. I could intellectually explain and breakdown Christianity all day long; but the truth of the matter is that is fruitless without the experience of Christ.
ReplyDeleteAre you hurting? Do you want to experience a REAL encounter with God? Do you feel like life is meaningless and that there has to be something greater? Then Christ is your answer. I have nothing to gain from sharing this with you. My only desire is that you come to experience the peace that a relationship with Christ brings like I have. If you have ANY questions, if you want to talk, if you want to PRAY, I am available. My personal email is cowlickkalsoup@gmail.com. Please, don't miss out on the joy that Christ brings.