Sunday, May 20, 2012

The Peculiar Heart-Break Of A Mormon Wedding


          As a Mormon girl, I was raised to believe that the pinnacle of my life would be when I entered the temple to marry a worthy Mormon man.  My very salvation depended upon getting married in the temple --- a temple ceremony seals a husband and wife together for eternity.  The highest level of Mormon heaven is reserved for members that have married in the temple and born children.  The doors of heaven are closed to those who are childless, single, or un-worthy to enter the temple.
          To enter the temple, a member must hold a temple recommend.  To get a temple recommend, a member must be of a certain age and have been active for at least a year.  A member must also pass an interview, during which he/she must demonstrate that their belief in the Church.  A member is asked if he/she believes in the Church; supports the authorities; abstains from mind-altering substances such as coffee, tea, and alcohol; obeys the law of chastity, including abstaining from premarital sex, masturbation, and porn; and have paid a full tithe.  If a person can’t fulfill all of these requirements, then they are denied a temple recommend.  
          One of the most heart-breaking consequences of leaving the Mormon church meant that I was banned from attending my siblings’ weddings.  One of my brothers got married around the time I was starting to leave the Church.  My parents didn’t even bother to bring me along for the wedding --- I stayed at home while they made the trip to D.C. for his wedding.  Three days of wandering an empty house, wondering what was wrong with me.  
          A year later, another of my brothers got married.  By that time, I was fully out of the Church.  His fiance was a convert --- her family was Catholic.  His fiance’s mother was upset about the idea of a temple wedding and insisted on organizing a church wedding.  She wouldn’t take no for an answer --- she had spent years dreaming of organizing her daughter’s wedding.  
          This is when the matter became very delicate.  If members choose to have a civil ceremony, they are barred from getting sealed in the temple for a full year.  If they do choose to have a civil ceremony instead of a temple ceremony, church members begin to doubt their worthiness and faithfulness.  Church authorities also warn them about the dire spiritual consequences of waiting.  There is an intense amount of pressure --- both social and doctrinal --- to have the wedding be in the temple.  My sister-in-law was forced to choose between her family and her religion.  
          So my brother and his fiance evaded the situation.  They down-played the importance of the temple ceremony to the in-laws.  The wedding was in Pennsylvania, so my brother and his wife woke up at 3 the morning of the wedding, drove to D.C., had the temple ceremony, and then came back for the church wedding.  To circumvent the issue of a civil ceremony, they hired a Mormon minister who was very careful about his wordings.  Instead of saying --- “I now pronounce you husband and wife”, at the end of the ceremony he turned my brother and his wife around and said “I now present to you Mr. and Mrs. G-----”, thus avoiding saying the words that would have made the ceremony real.  And no one in my sister-in-law’s family was any the wiser.  They danced, drank, and partied, never knowing that the ceremony they had just seen was a sham.    
          My sister got married last year.  Once again, the issue of my break with the Church was brought to the forefront.  My sister’s fiance came from a long tradition of Mormons.  My husband and I were the lone non-Mormons within the two families.  And so we were relegated to baby-sitting the children during the ceremony.  My mother asked me --- after the ceremony was finished and the photography had begun --- if I was upset about being left out of the wedding.  I longed to tell her my true feelings --- that being banned from the wedding felt like a knife to the chest --- but I also knew that making an issue of the matter accomplishes nothing.  My family performs their weddings this way because they place their faith in a church that demands the exclusion of non-members.   

Correction: The sentence "Members are required to show their W2’s to prove that they have paid a full tithe of 10%, was removed", as this is not church-wide policy.  

12 comments:

  1. I know how you feel. Four of my siblings married in the temple, so I didn't get to participate in their weddings at all. When the fifth one marries, it will be the same thing all over again. I thought I was over it, but reading your post makes me want to cry...

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    1. I am so sorry for your pain. Just know that you are not alone and that I am hope you can find peace. *cyber hugs*

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  2. Missed my daughters wedding this march .....

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    1. I'm so very, very sorry Mindy. I really wish the Mormon Church would relax their stance on having civil ceremonies, as this is such a heart-breaking fact for the majority of families. *cyber hugs*

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  3. I'm exiting the door, but slowly. At this point I can still attend the temple for my siblings upcoming ceremonies ....but do I want to? Is it blasphemous to attend if you don't really believe but don't want to feel left out? But I guess there is a greater need for babysitters ... :)

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    1. That's a tough decision - I guess whatever makes you most comfortable. And there is nothing wrong with wanting to be included in your siblings weddings, even in spite of differences in beliefs. The Mormon Church is one of the very, very few religions that imposes that requirement. Even my in-laws (very, very orthodox Hindus, live in one of the most conservative parts of India), when they planned my wedding, were able to include everyone in spite of religious differences. And I have made no attempts to convert to Hinduism, although I do participate in their holidays.

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    2. My sister got married when my husband and I were still questioning and we attended her wedding. We are fully out now and couldn't do that now but I don't feel bad about it at all. I think you should still go if you can.

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    3. dolly anna, I hope you went to your siblings weddings. I assume from your post that your motive wasn't to create a disturbance or to mock the Mormon beliefs. It's was to be a part of a family tradition and an important ceremony.

      But if you chose not to attend that would speak volumes to others in your family. Whatever you decided; I'm sure it was for the greater good. Kudos to you for being thoughtful about it.

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  4. I'll won't be able to see my brothers, but he didn't get to go to mine (temple) so I guess that's fair game?

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  5. Interesting that in the US you have to wait for a year to go to the temple after a civil marriage. Here in the UK, where ALL marriages must by law be held in a public place, couples marry in the local meetinghouse or civil Registry Office, and then go off to the temple immediately afterwards.

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  6. Leaving the church at age 36 with three children still being raised actively in the church; I knew there was a strong possibility I would not be attending their weddings. As it turned out my oldest son left the church and married a beautiful young lady; they had their ceremony at a gorgeous vineyard in Oregon. My daughter, on the other hand, married in the temple. Where my partner, of many years, and I sat in the waiting room with the children waiting for our daughter to come out of the temple. It was difficult but expected. Myself and many in my family who have left or been excommunicated have started a tradition of standing outside the temple in what we call the 'Circle of Shame'. We lovingly taunt other members of the family; tempting them with the phrase "...want to hang out with the cool kids?"

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  7. http://rationalfaiths.com/the-inclusivity-of-spanish-weddings/
    New blogs, same topic. We have to do something about this divisive policy.

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I love hearing comments and I welcome all viewpoints; however, I request that if you do choose to comment, please do so in a manner that is constructive and respectful of others.