Tuesday, July 3, 2012

The Only Sin Worse Than Murder


          A couple weeks ago, I read “The Girls From Fourth Ward” by Donna Banta.  The book was a dark romp into the world of teenaged Mormon girls, complete with the bishop from hell.  One of the scenes that lingered in my mind was a conversation between the four girls about the consequences of leaving the Mormon church.  Mormon theology teaches that the only sin worse than murder is renouncing the teachings of the church.  In the mixed-up minds of these four teenaged girls, this teaching somehow justified the murder of a bishop who was acting as an obstacle to fulfilling their potential as ideal Mormon women (and achieving access to the highest level of Heaven).  This example is extreme and one that I hope is relegated to the pages of fiction.  But the conversation in this book brought up very painful memories of just how afraid I was when I began questioning my faith.  
          When I was sixteen, and my faith was just beginning to crack, the missionaries were asked to teach my Sunday School class for a week.  Being the missionaries, they decided to use the opportunity to show off their knowledge of the Gospel.  We were treated to an overview of the Gospel and the three-fold mission of the Church: perfect the saints, preach the Gospel to the world, and redeem the dead.
          Then the missionaries started talking about the levels of heaven.  I grew up learning about the Telestial, Terrestrial, and Celestial Kingdoms but I had heard very little about Outer Darkness, which was a fate too awful for my mind to even comprehend.
          “Don’t worry.” the missionaries assured my class.  “It’s almost impossible to get sent to Outer Darkness.  You have to either kill someone or renounce the teachings of the Church.  And even murder is forgivable in some situations.”
          Uh oh.  I sat there on my hard plastic chair, painfully aware that I was in the process of committing the only sin worse than murder.  The only sin that meant irrevocable exile to Outer Darkness.  I felt as though I had been punched in the gut.  The rest of the day was a blur as I mulled over the lesson and all of its implications on my life.  
          I was upset for a while.  Upset and terrified.  But as the lesson began to sink in, I began to get angry.  Really angry.  Boiling, red-hot anger that started at the top of my head and crawled its way down my body.  I knew that what I was doing -- asking questions of my religion and expecting rational answers -- was not a sin.  The fact that I had received no answer, the fact that logic dictated that there could be no proof, did not mean that I was a bad human being.  And yet, as part of Mormon Church, this sin of mine was worse than killing another human being.  I began to see the Church in a different light; I could no longer rationalize its goodness.
          I reached my limit that day.  I was tired; tired of feeling like I was less faithful, less worthy, simply because the answers I had received were not the “correct” answers.  This lesson tipped the balance from grief about my lack of faith to anger at an unforgiving authoritarian religion.  This anger gave me the courage to start my journey out of Mormonism, as I began to untangle the many threads woven throughout my up-bringing.  A year after this lesson, I made a permanent break with the church.  I am grateful that I managed to find the courage to break away, even while faced with the threat of absolute damnation.  But for every person that does manage to come to terms with their lack of belief, there are ten more that stay because they are too afraid to commit the one sin worse than murder.  

26 comments:

  1. It's funny how looking back, we remember these infuriating experiences with a hint of fondness - because they finally made us see the light. Great post!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Donna! And it was nice that your book brought back that memory!

      Delete
    2. Donna, that's brilliant! I wish I'd had that insight. I've noticed that I sometimes develop a certain fondness for negative experiences. But until you mentioned it, I was not sure why. I can see now that it comes from the fact they make me see something better. Thank you!

      Delete
  2. I am glad that you were able to find the strength to do what is right for you. I think that no matter what happens to us, being true to ourselves is the most important gift we can give ourselves or others. I had some similar experiences as a teenager. For me, the questioning brought me closer to God, although not unquestioning of the Mormon faith. I have stayed as a choice, but I recognize it as a personal choice, not one that everyone must inevitably come to. I live my beliefs quietly, but with conviction. That doesn't mean that I accept that there is only one way to live a "good life." Certainly my life, while lived in the way I believe to be in worthwhile, is not a going to be, or even should be, the way anyone else lives.

    Thank you for sharing so much of yourself.

    Julia

    ReplyDelete
  3. This is one of those areas of Mormon theology that I find infuriating. The question: “is sin A worse than murder, as bad as murder, or not as bad as murder” appears open to interpretation in the Mormon Church. I have asked several devotees and have gotten different answers for several different sins. I’ve not asked about “renouncing the teachings of The Church”, but I have asked about transgender re-alignment surgery and revealing the secrets of sacred temple ceremonies. Apparently these can be worse, about the same, and not as bad as murder depending on the person being asked.

    I was especially shocked when one Bishop (who also did some seminary teaching) told me that transgender realignment surgery was “much, much worse than murder”. We were talking about Jennifer Lee Jackson and I asked him if a suicide bomber wasn’t doing a whole lot more damage than some newly transgendered person in Salt Lake. He was adamant that the suicide bomber was much less sinful.

    Later that same day I was told by a Mormon woman that the suicide bomber was much, much worse. Is the relative severity of a sin determined by the capricious opinion of a particular local bishop?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Honestly, a lot of this will end up being the interpretation of the bishop/local authority. And given that bishops are lay-clergy, with their regular day-jobs, there is a lot of variation between wards, depending on the particular bishop in charge. And it is worth noting that authorities receive little to no training, which is particularly dangerous considering members tend to look to their local leaders for most problems, including psychological issues. The attitudes of higher-ups is that the only training a bishop/stake president needs is the guidance of the Lord. As you can imagine, that really can be dangerous, especially considering bishops are required to conduct temple interviews/excommunication proceedings, in which members are grilled about very personal details, such as masturbation and obeying the law of chastity.

      Another issue is that Mormon authorities have selective amnesia concerning the statements of former leaders. They will outright deny or cover up issues such the priesthood ban on blacks, when you can go and read the earlier teachings of the leaders, who said things such as "black people were born black because they were 'fence-sitters' in the War in Heaven. A big part of this is that Mormons consider the words of their leader to be the Word of God - so they can't exactly say that the earlier leaders were wrong. So they just cover up the older teachings and pretend it never happened.

      Delete
  4. This is only the gospel according to Julia, so please don't take my answer to be speaking for the church in any way. I think that putting a list of the best and worst sins, with some kind of ranking goes directly against what we are taught about the atonement. I do think that there are sins that are harder to repent of, especially if they are an on-going sin that creates long-term disruptions in someone's life. So, "killing someone" (note I am not using the term murder since that has a legal definition that I don't want to have apply to this particular opinion) may be a one time incident, and whether it is done with malice, planning, intent, or as a momentary decision that was extremely bad, will have an impact on how difficult the repentance process would be if that person wanted to get back to having a personal relationship with Christ. (Note I am not saying get back into the church or connected to it, since repentance can be a process that is worked through with church leaders, but is always something that has to be worked out with the person who committed the sin, and their Savior.

    Too often, the term "apostate" is used in a very general way, applying to everyone who was baptized and then left the Mormon Church. While this is an easy term to use in a broad and general way, it is not accurate. Being apostate means having had a testimony of the gospel, and in the case of LDS members, a testimony of the LDS church, and then to actively and knowingly work against the church, knowing that what you are doing is wrong, and still choosing to do that wrong action. It is very rare, and it usually stems from an underlying sin that the person who has become an apostate is trying to hide. Someone who is apostate once had a testimony (the full light and knowledge of the truth, and usually has been through the temple) and has not lost that testimony, but has decided that they know better than Christ, and any or all of His servants on the earth.

    ReplyDelete
  5. My biological father was excommunicated for apostasy and for molesting me. While he probably would have been excommunicated just for the molestation, the proof for apostasy was overwhelming and had constantly escalated over a fifteen year time period. He wasn't someone who stopped believing in the scriptures or that the basic structure of the church was wrong, or that the decisions made by leaders, that DID NOT impact him were wrong. He believed the gospel to be true, but he actively ridiculed, challenged and directly questioned everyone from his bishop to the prophet. He wrote them letters, brought many people into the group that he disseminated his frustrations and pride to, whether they wanted to have the information given to them or not. He was proactively on the offensive trying to prove church leaders wrong and demanding that they, even the prophet, bend to his will, so that he could have what he wanted.

    I believe that kind of apostasy probably is worse than murder. If he had just killed me, or my mother, he would not have inflicted the immense amount of pain, hate and contention on so many people. He made the choice, knowing full well that he was breaking his covenants to continue to disobey requests from his local leaders, members of the Quorum of the Seventy, and eventually the lawyers for the First Presidency. After being asked to not contact any General Authority himself, but to instead let his local leaders decide if something should be passed along, he sent a package of information to the prophet, with the demand for the prophet's signature to prove he had received it. The packet of information was returned to him, unsigned. He still continued to push against the requests on all levels for him to stop by making his accusations and "evidence" even more public. There may not be a more clear example of true apostasy, at least that I have known. He currently is not only excommunicated, but he is barred from being on any church property, anywhere in the world, and that will stay in place unless he has done the repentance process to be re-baptized.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

      Delete
    2. Lujli, it is so nice to know that attacking someone for sharing a personal experience makes you feel better. Did you read the rest of the comment, of which this is the middle section? I didn't realize that I would need to put a disclaimer on this section as well.

      This is my understanding, from my experiences.

      I also am fairly offended that you would think that constant abuse from a someone who qualifies legally as a stalker, has shared personal details of other people's lives which are not true, and who refused to follow orders signed by a federal judge, and who continued to act out in those same ways; and brush it off as "heckling." If I had left the church, would you have belittled my experience? If it was non-church leaders that he refused to stop harassing and stalking, would you think I was simply making up my own doctrine?

      I have no idea what your personal experiences were, so I have no way to put your comment I to a larger perspective than your comments here in this thread. The definition of outer darkness and who is sent there, is not one that I have ever heard, so I don't know if that is your experience or interpretation.

      I started out my comment by saying that my understanding of the atonement and repentance has more to do with the process of repentance and how difficult it would be for someone to repent of a sin. I do believe that my father would be more likely to find a way to repent if he had killed me or my mother, than he will if he decides he wants to repent of molesting me, spreading lies and attacking my mother and me in very public ways, and being too proud to accept the decisions of any church leaders, and publicly attacking those leaders as well.

      To be abundently clear, this is MY understanding, having been through these experiences, and my personal interpretation of the scriptures and doctrine as I have prayerfully worked through my own anger and pain. I try never to belittle those whose experiences led them to other thoughts and conclusions, but I DO claim that right for myself, as well.

      Delete
    3. And to be perfectly clear my comments had nothing to do with your abuse at you fathers hands.

      My comment was asking if you felt your fathers verbal and written heckling of church leaders was worse than murder. You comment made it seem as if you agreed your fathers questioning of the church was a greater crime than his abuse of you.

      And I think that is messed up.
      And if that is indeed your position I refuse to apologise for saying so

      Delete
    4. lujip:

      I just thought I would jump in and add my perspective. I've been corresponding with Julia for a couple weeks now; she had posted my blog on hers, with the explanation that my writing helped her understand one of her high school friends that had also decided to leave the Mormon. And I can honestly say that Julia reminds me of my mother - she strikes me as being a woman who is trying her hardest to live the best life she can and to understand (and respect) the paths that other people walk in life. Julia may have different beliefs than ours but I do think that her heart is in the right place.

      Delete
  6. So, most people who leave the church do not come anywhere close to being apostate. Especially for children who were baptized at eight because it was an expectation, but who have never had a testimony of the gospel, I do not think that apostasy enters into the equation in any way. I would not say that anything I have read on this blog about PMG, would put her in the category of an apostate. She was always uncomfortable with church teachings; she realized as a teenager that she never had a testimony of the gospel, and that she always had doubts about god, Christ and scriptures from a young age.

    Only she can answer for sure whether she ever had a testimony, that she then battled against, but I don't see that in her writing, the story of her life, or her actions after leaving the church. Most apostates can't help attacking the church because they can't be at peace. I hear from PMG that she has found a path that is authentic for her, and that she did not ever feel that peace while growing up in the church.

    I know that only partly answers the questions you asked, but I think it is the most important part of the difference between deciding that you don't have a testimony and don't think you ever will, and having a testimony that you turn against.

    If part of it isn't clear, ask again. ;-)

    Just to reiterate, this is the gospel according to Julia, informed by discussions with several stake presidents and a member of the general authorities.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Your post gives me mixed feelings. On the one hand, I can see your and Donna's point that the experience brought you to the light, as it were. But on the other hand, it was so damn unnecessary. That is, there is no legitimate reason that you should have been subjected to such hogwash in the first place.

    By the way, I really enjoy your blog, and I'm adding you to my blogroll. Thank you for such thought provoking and informative posts!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you! And I will confess, it took me a very long time to see this experience in this light - for years I felt nothing but pure anger. But sometimes anger can be a good thing, as it gives us the strength to do difficult things.

      Delete
  8. As I recall it was explained to me Outer Darkness was only for those who had 'knowledge' as oppsed to 'faith'. As in you had to have acctually been visited in person by a heavenly being.

    So basically the group would be limited to prophets and the like who had direct interaction and therefore proof of the devine.

    And even then such people would be resserected and have more power than the devil and his followers who never had bodies to begin with.

    Another facet I recalled was aside form the top level of the celestial kingdom everyone else would be able to move back and forth is they really wanted to, but they wouldnt because they'd rather stay with "their own kind"

    I suppose not commiting anything down into an offical compedium on mormon theology makes it easier to make up the finer details as needed when someone starts to get too nosey

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That is the more correct of the interpretations. I did think about explaining in more detail but I also wanted to remain true to the emotions I experienced during that lesson, when I thought that I was committing the one sin worse than murder. And Mormon theology is very hard to pin down sometimes!

      Delete
    2. I think that is the point, it allows believers* to shift the narritive to what best fits the situation at hand

      *Its funny, even after nearly 20 yrs using that word to describe people makes me flash to those animated BofM stories shorts. Its almost like an echo of an engrained guilt response for being non beliver heckling those who believe like the sons of Mosiah did in that animated film. Got to love religious propoganda

      Delete
    3. All of which helps convert people, as you can adapt beliefs to fit what they want.

      Milk before meat.

      Delete
  9. Any religious system that places its dogma above human life and well-being deserves to be abandoned. I wish we had nickles for every religious system that considered questioning its dogma to be the worst possible sin. The arrogance!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Finding my own courage now, as a 24 year old mother of two in California. Universe, give me strength to re-wire my Psyche. - dolly

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Best wishes on your journey dolly. It can really be a struggle to untangle your life and make sense of what you were taught to accept unconditionally versus forming new beliefs that are in contrast to what others expect of you. In the meantime, I would recommend some post-Mormon support groups, as I have found it really helps just to know that you are not alone.

      All the best and I hope you can find a way to live the life in a way that is best for you.

      Delete
    2. I should also say - although it was very hard for my family to come to terms with my leaving, they are now at a point where they treat me with the same love that they always have. And now that I am comfortable with my identity (in a way that I never was as a Mormon) I find that my overall relationships with people are greatly improved.

      Delete
  11. Dolly -
    The only thing I would add is that while that may be hard for many of your family and friends, don't feel you have to cut off people who don't cut you off. I have several friends that I truly miss. They left the church, but I don't feel like they *had* to leave me. They are still people I love and care about them, no matter how or if they worship any God. What is hardest for me is that I have always had lots of friends who were not members, so I never understood why they felt they couldn't count on me.

    After ready this blog, and a number of false starts at trying to write an email to the friend I at least have a way to contact. I sent the email about a week ago. I finally got a response this afternoon. It was fairly short, but have me a little more hope.
    "I didn't think anyone from my old life would care that I was long. Even when you helped me and (name of her now ex-husband) get all of our wedding presents to our new home, I thought someone asked you to do it to try to make me come back to church. I need some time to think about dinner or dessert, but I am okay with emailing. I never realized you missed me. I didn't let myself think about missing you or anyone else, because I thought you all hated me. I am glad you don't hate me, but it may take some time to believe you. I am not saying you are lying, but I really never thought I would get an email from anyone I grew up with in the church. Thanks for the link to your blog and the one from the person who left the church that you are friends with."

    There is a little more in the email, but it is mostly personal stuff about when we were kids and if I knew what other people were doing, or where they live.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Here's a guess on why they say this as a trained experienced psychologist. Many of them are murderers and find comfort and safety in their church. The desperately want to find sin in others that make them feel better about themselves and more holy. So, they invented this idea in their heads to shame others and try to bring them down to their level.

    ReplyDelete

I love hearing comments and I welcome all viewpoints; however, I request that if you do choose to comment, please do so in a manner that is constructive and respectful of others.