Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Re-examining Priorities In Light Of A Near-Death Experience

          Two years ago I was the typical ambitious grad student; I worked my way through college and graduated from Cornell University with an honors degree.  I then enrolled in a Ph.D program in developmental biology at a top-ranked medical college.  My motivation defined me - I was content to put in the long hours necessary to complete my schoolwork and begin developing my research project.  My life's plan was mapped out for me - Ph.D, post-doc, professorship in academia.  School was spent in a blur of studying and lab-work; I was relentless in working towards my goal.  Life was school and school was life.
          And then, at the beginning of my second year of grad school, I was in a life-altering accident -- I was hit by a car while walking across the street, in the type of freak accident that people hear about on the news but never imagine will happen to them.  There were a total of three pedestrians hit - I was the first to get hit and sustained the most serious of the injuries.  My head hit the windshield, completely shattering the glass, and resulting in a mild traumatic brain injury.
          I was lucky - my physical injuries healed within a matter of months.  The brain injury took a little longer - for about six months I had a mild stutter and I got dizzy every-time that I tried to work out.  But the emotional imprint of my accident turned out to be the most lingering effect.  I developed an acute fear of cars, which in the car-centric city of Houston is prohibitive to maintaining a normal life.  Between the acute panic caused by my accident and the everyday stress of working in a high-charged grad school environment, I turned into a sobbing, hysterical mess.  For the first time in my life, I was unable to fulfill the responsibilities expected of me.  I no longer knew who I was - I had always defined myself by my work ethic and my ambition.  Now I was incapable of working a full-time job, let alone a graduate program that demanded every ounce of my concentration.  I was forced to withdraw from school and redefine who I was as a person.
          This accident has forced me to examine who I am as a person.  During the accident, when I saw the car heading towards me a millisecond before impact, my last thoughts were not about my career options or my life as a grad student - my last thought was the achingly sweet look on my husband's face as I kissed him good-bye that morning.  The idea that I might never see him again crushed my heart.  
          And so now I am at a point where my days are centered around my pathological fear of cars and the unsettling feeling that my life is no longer defined by how busy I am.  Withdrawing from grad school has wreaked havoc on my self-esteem as I struggle to understand how I have changed in light of a near-death experience.                
          I am now re-examining my priorities in life.  What I have discovered is that my priorities in life are centered around family.  Once my life has settled down - once I am at a point where I can live a functional life again - I will return to school and the pursuit of a career.  But when I do return, I will return with the attitude that although a career can be fulfilling, my full heart belongs to the people I love.

14 comments:

  1. Another great story. Even though most haven't had such a traumatic experience, I think many can relate to the pain of not doing the thing they felt they were "born to do" - when we drift away from our gift for some reason or another. Even though your heart may be in academia, know that you're also a very talented writer, and no matter where you land there is a huge world of opportunity open to you.

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    1. Thank you so much, Anne-Marie. And to be honest, writing has really helped me deal with everything that has happened. I enjoyed writing before the accident but now I'm at a point where I need to write. I read Steven King's memoir "On Writing" and one of quotes really stuck with me - "Writing is not life but I think that sometimes it can be way back to life."

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  2. I think it is helpful to write about any major life event or events, especially if they are traumatic. It would be wonderful if everyone who had traumatic experiences could write freely about them. Some traumas it is fairly easy to find an audience and empathy. Other traumas, especially those that are ongoing can be much more difficult to find the right forum, audience and balance of protecting ourselves and those innocent of wrong doing, when exposing who we are, and what happened to us, may impact other people.

    I find your blog to be a good example of how to balance all of those competing needs, but I understand that it is still painful to relive details, through anxiety attacks, flashback and nightmares. Somtimes writing can help decrease the symptoms, and other times jotting down a few notes and stepping away is best for our own mental health. I find myself sometimes typing frantically as I try to get out everything I want to unload, and other times I find that as I try to write I am only setting off flashbacks. Those are the times I give myself permission to save the file, turn off the computer, and walk away, both figuratively and literally.

    Thank you for sharing such an intimate part of your history, and a glimpse into the terror that can come when our lives feel completely outside of our control. I am guessing you aren't ready for it now, but if you want to get away from Houston, to a place where we live a pretty slow paced life with plenty of hiking trails nearby, you are welcome to come and join us for a little R&R, a place where panic attacks are not seem as weakness, but instead as a normal part of the healing process. Once I start physical therapy, I could especially use a hiking partner. ;-)

    I know that prayers aren't really your thing, but I am still praying for you. (You can think of it like the extra life insurance you get from the credit union when you get a checking account. You aren't planning on ever using it, but it doesn't hurt to have it, jsut in case it really is useful.) One of my good friends has a post on her blog of things that she and her family need or would be helpful. It has helped not only me, but other friends who want to help but don't always know what to do. You might consider helping those of us who love you, with a similar post. Let us know what IS helpful and what IS NOT helpful, so that we can do things that are meaningful to you!

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  3. Happy Fourth of July!

    If you want something more fun than noisy fireworks, with a much cooler end product, check out the new contest on my blog that starts today! You can find it here:
    http://poetrysansonions.blogspot.com/2012/07/july-contest-where-did-you-come-from.html or here http://poetrysansonions.blogspot.com/p/contests-check-here-for-latest-contest.html

    If you or any of your readers win, you get to choose what you want on your cards! ;-)

    (I am taking your package to the post office today, but since it is a holiday they won't start making their way to you until tomorrow. I added a few extra "strays" from sets where I made an extra or two in case I messed one up in one way or another.)

    I hope that today is better than yesterday!!

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  4. I confess to admiring your indomitable spirit in the aftermath of that accident. To have come back from such a thing is almost beyond my understanding, for I have nothing to compare it with. It seems to me that you are not only recovering from it, but also deriving wisdom from the experience. I wish you the best in achieving your goal of returning to your studies.

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    1. Thank you for your good wishes. I'm working on recovery and trying to remember the important things in life.

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  5. If you think one near death experice shakes your world view you'd be amazed at what 5 more does. I feel like I'm 12o yrs old most of the time

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    1. So sorry to hear that - how awful!

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    2. That should have read 120 yrs old. All in all it wasnt that bad, no real mental scars, aside from my grossly inflated impacience and inability to deal with peoples stupidity

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  6. I'm sorry to hear that happened to you, and glad that you survived. I wish you strength and insight as you struggle to redefine your priorities in life.

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  7. I am so sorry about your accident and all the pain you’ve since gone through. I hope the road to physical recovery was not very difficult for you. The emotional scars may never heal, but surround yourself with people you love and trust, and you’ll power through it eventually. Did the erring driver not see you on the road? What happened to that driver? Have you ever considered filing for a personal injury claim?

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    1. Thank you Javier. The driver was elderly - he ran down 3 people on total. I was able to get a pretty good lawyer who negotiated.a decent settlement. The anxiety is still an issue but I am reminding myself to take it one day at a time - and I am very, very grateful that I have a supportive husband.

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  8. Your story is very enlightening. It’s just sad that an accident had to be your wake-up call. I think another lesson to take from this is not to hurry yourself to the top. Whenever we’re too focused on something, we tend to disregard other things, sometimes those that are actually more important. We just don’t realize it at the moment because we are so busy. Enjoy life, and I hope you recover quickly. :)

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