Sunday, August 12, 2012

The Price Of Honesty: Why Ex-Mormons Keep Quiet About Their Lack Of Belief


          The Daily Beast recently published an article featuring an interview with Sue Emmett, who is the president of the ExMormon Foundation and the direct descendent of Brigham Young.  Sue talked about her experience as a Mormon woman with clarity, insight, and compassion.  I am grateful for Sue’s courage in going public with her experience as a Mormon woman.  
          For years, I have been standing by the sidelines, wanting to tell my Mormon story but too afraid to speak out.  I want my family to listen when I tell them who I am as a person.  In all the years since my exit, no one in my family has ever asked me what I believe in and what my values are.  No one has ever thought to ask why I left.  I remember the Mormon mindset very well - even the slightest hint of criticism felt like religious persecution.  And so I have been keeping quiet, out of love for my family.
          I have reached a point where I realize my silence is doing more harm than good.  Ex-Mormons keep quiet because we love the Mormons in our lives.  We keep quiet because we are afraid of what will happen to us and to our families if we speak out about our experiences.  We keep quiet because we do not want to face the condemnation of the people we once thought were our friends.  However, silence does not fix the problem - at best, silence is a temporary solution.  
          In the ten years since my exit, there has been some progress within my family.  My mother treats me with all of the love and affection that she treats her other children, although even my mother does not ask about my beliefs.  My love for my mother strengthens and balances me, soothing a broken heart.  My father has dampened his rage towards me.  I feel more comfortable with my identity as a liberal agnostic woman.
          But in other aspects, life has not gotten better.  One of my brothers has been treating my husband and me badly.  He makes snide comments about my husband’s ethnicity, cracking jokes about how all the Indians in this country either own Motel 8’s or 7-11’s.  We live three hours from my brother - in the three years since we moved to Texas, we have visited my brother a dozen times, during which he pokes fun at my husband’s vegetarianism, oblivious to the irony of mocking a Hindu’s dietary restrictions when as a Mormon he abstains from coffee, tea, and alcohol.  On the rare occasion he visits our home, he feels comfortable bringing meat with him, when my husband and I refrain from bringing coffee into his home.  And yet I have kept quiet about my brother’s behavior; I still do not feel that I am an equal within my own family.  I am still afraid of losing my family, as so many other ex-Mormons have lost theirs.
          I had a difficult exit process - I first started questioning Mormonism when I was fifteen and I stopped believing when I was sixteen, when I was still living under my parents’ roof.  I survived for two years by concealing my unbelief.  The pain of living a double life - exacerbated by the very negative reaction I got when I confided in a Mormon girl I thought was my life-long friend - drove me to the brink of suicide.  When I did leave, my decision was made harder by my mother’s heartbreak and my father’s rage.  
          Last year, I read the book “Heaven Up Here” by John Williams.  I was astonished by his honesty in chronicling his mission experience.  Although I never served a mission, I recognized much of his Mormon mentality in the young girl that I once was.  After reading his book, I cried.  I cried and I cried and I cried, hiding my tears from the world.  I had started writing about my Mormon experience six months before, attacking the subject with an honesty that I never dreamed I could talk about publicly.  And here was a man, living in the heart of Utah, married to a faithful Mormon woman, who had the strength to leave the Mormon Church and then to write about the good, the bad, and the messiness of his experience with a candor that I had never seen before.  He gave me hope that I too could one day be as honest.  
          My family deals with my lack of belief through willful blindness.  And maybe this will never change.  But the burden of silence has been lifted.  I still don’t know what the full price of my honesty may be.  But the freedom is worth the price.  

14 comments:

  1. I am glad you are at the point where you are ready to be who you are, no matter what the consequences of that may be. While leaving the Mormon church is one way to have the family seperation happen, there are many ways that families isolate those who break whatever unwritten rules a family has.

    It can be heart wrenching to realize taht your choices mean that others will not accept you, might even refuse to talk to you, without ever telling you they have decided to do it. Even in families where religion isn't the issue that divides people, it takes a lot of courage to decide who you are, and then live that life, with or without support.

    One huge blessing in my life is that even if my siblings have turned their backs on me, there are many loving friends who have not. I am grateful that I have a family of my choosing, even if I still sometimes ache for the family I once thought we were. Part of the pain of seperation is accepting that the family I thought I came from, is not at all a reality. The judgment and ability to cut people off because they are not as righteous, not members of the church, have married outside their religoin or traditions, have joined another political party. All of these reason seem petty, and yet I know families that have been torn apart by each one.

    I hope that each day you move forward in peace, and in gentleness with yourself. One of the counselors I saw used to remind me, "If you aren't gentle with yourself then no one else will be."

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    1. This sounds quite familiar - I am so happy you are able to share your perspective. And give me good advice. :)

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  2. Leaving the LDS Church is a terribly difficult ordeal. The more people begin to realize it, the more the church will be scrutinized. Thanks for your honesty, PM Girl.

    As you know, I have a SIL like your brother...

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    1. I really do think the test of any institution is lies in their treatment of the outliers. And the Mormon Church leaves a lot to be desired when it comes to institutionalized attitudes towards non-conformists and non-believers.

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    2. I think the "outliers" are the One, that Christ leaves the ninety and nine to find. It is interesting that it may not be the One who left, but the ninety and nine who left him/her/them. I try to remember never to leave someone who wants me there. I am far from perfect, but I just don't think perfect is what Christ went after. If I claim to be a Christian, then it is my job to follow Christ.

      No one else needs to be a Christian for me to love and serve them. I wish more Christians of every faith would spend more time acting like Christ rather than talking about Him. It might give all of us a better name, and stop isolating those who don't share our beliefs.

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    3. And to be perfectly honest, I am very glad you are around, as you are someone that walks the talk in just trying to be a good person. :)

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    4. I am not sure I could live with myself if I didn't. At some point I decided either I didn't believe, and I had to be honest about that, or I did believe and needed to have my life reflect that belief. I think it is the same process that a lot of ex-Mormons go through when they decide to leave, just with a different outcome.

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  3. Thanks for taking the time to share this. Sounds like a difficult journey.

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  4. Can I just say that I can't imagine having anyone I care about join or leave any church, without asking them about their experiences. I have reread this post a couple of times and I finally figured out that the niggling in the back of my mind, the thing that seemed so strange, is that no one asked. I have several friends who I have asked and they have chosen not to tell me. Their choice didn't end of friendship, but not feeling like they could talk to me did make us not as close as we once were.

    Have to say, I am still floored that no one asked. Maybe I am just nosey, but it is usually the first thing I ask, both because I am curious, and because I don't want to add insult to injury by unknowingly hitting a sore spot. I really don't believe that most people who leave the church on their own (as opposed to being excommunicated for murder, child or spousal abuse or other violent crimes) are "going to hell." If we believe that everyone has the chance to repent, and that people are only judged based on their experiences, I don't think that anyone who is living the best life they can will be condemned. Then again, I was the crazy teenager that brought an African American date to my lily white Winter Formal, which shocked my entire Sunday School class.

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    1. Well- my family is a study in non-communication. We just don't talk to each other and my mother will never, ever pry. But it was surprising that none of my friends asked - there was no attempt to talk about the issue, no attempt to ask my side of the story. Which hurt a lot.

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    2. I can understand why that would be incredibly hurtful. My heart truly hurts for you that you were left without the love and support that you needed and deserve! I am glad that you have more emotional resources now.

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  5. "MOVING WITH MY BF""
    I read all the posts, I found some advice in them, but still confuse abt my future. I am dating a wonderful man, amazing. intelligent, funny, honest, affectionate, and hard working. He is in a way to become a Ex Mormon. After his mission he lost faith on everything for some reasons. I met him in 2010 at USU I move to BYU the distance make us broke up. I am trying to help him stay at the church nth work, I think if I really love him like I always tell him I should let him chose and love him the way he is. My sisters married to the temple served a mission etc…., Honestly I become a Mormon when i was 14 cuz my family said so not cuz I wanted to, where I come from the traditions is so hard to live, Now I move to USA I can make some choices. Iam 24, my bf going to move to Troy NY for his master he ask me to move with him, I want to but Iam afraid he will take more time to get married.The reason he ask me that cuz hes leaving Utah to Troy NY like i=I said. Of course we are talking abt kids and marriage all the time. He want to wait at least one year before he makes any decision he want to take it slow. We been dating for one year now + 3 month in 2010 we were dating we broke up when i moved to BYU. I am really in love with him. I don’t know what gonna happens if I chose to move with him.he treats me so well.I fell like Iam afraid to disappointed my family traditions alsO, its "no moving before marriage" Please Help.

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    1. Without knowing you, I think the most appropriate advice I can give is to be upfront about what you think. It's not an easy thing to do but it is very liberating.

      Best of luck - I know this can't be easy for you.

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